To the one that got away

4 Jun

How have you been? It’s been quite a long while…

…quite a long while since we last talked about anything and everything, quite a long while since we were actually friends. I know that things got out of hand and messy. It led to an end that was unforseen, an end that left me with a lot of questions. Ever since that end, there wasn’t a night that went by that the thought of you left my head. 

I was left with unanswered questions and a mind that did not have peace. For a long time, I was left wondering if you just really toyed with me or was there something going on. For the longest time, I was bothered, I was sad and I was over-thinking all the negative possibilities, until that one important question has been answered. It felt like my heart was put to rest. Finally peaceful, finally at ease. The feeling was so liberating, and it was a nice feeling that came with its cons.

 

I wasn’t over it, or you. I was trying to, but I couldn’t help it. The conversation arrived at me telling the story of us and what went down, until someone mentioned the closure that I was looking for. There was something going on between us, and the feeling was mutual. I was oblivious to that until a few days ago. 

We could have happened, but my defense mechanisms turned me into an asshole. 

To the one that got away, thank you for everything. I am just simply that person who appreciates even the smallest of efforts and know you were the kind of guy that gave a lot of small efforts. It’s the thought that counts. I’ve lived 3 months of my life thinking that you were the asshole that got my hopes up, but the truth is, I was the douche that over thought and stopped talking to you because I was afraid of getting hurt. Turns out it was you I hurt. I am terribly sorry. I was the one that pushed you away, and it only made sense now. I’ve always known you as the type of guy who’d still try to make friends with people (you even tried to befriend your ex) but with me, it’s like you’re avoiding me. Like you don’t even wanna see me. Like you don’t even know me. I just got it now. It’s perfectly normal because here you were thinking that something good was going one, and here I was suddenly not talking to you. I know how much it hurts… I tried to fix it but you were afraid that I might just do it again. I did not think I was capable of this, honestly. Now, though I feel peace, I am feeling a terrible feeling of regret. I can’t believe I let you slip away. 

I really do miss you, and I am uncertain if you reciprocate that, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know if it still applies now, but you once said you wouldn’t easily give up the chance of hanging out with me. I don’t know if your past feelings for me still applies now, but my “For you, I’d take my chances” still applies. I am really driven and motivated to fix this, to go after you. Even if the feelings aren’t there, I wanna go after the friendship, the good times with you. I feel like I owe it to you. The possibility of getting ignored and hurt are huge, but I will take my chances.

Here’s to living with no ragrets. 

Firsts

26 May

05/26/2014

Today was the first time I got to dine in Omakase. Only a selected few knew that I have never eaten there before. The few that I told were the ones that I knew that would not judge me.

Omakase was like a 2012/2013 hype in our area ever since the Alabang branch opened. It kinda died down this 2014 but not for me, since I had much love for the Japanese cuisine. I’ve always wanted to eat there, but never got to until today.

I have mentioned about this great need to eat at Oma to you, to the point that you said something like “dont worry, We’ll eat there sometime” You assured me everytime I’d whine about it. I also recalled the time we baked cupcakes for CL and a classmate of ours was going to treat us to Oma but I didn’t get to go. You texted me right after I got fetched and asked, “where are you going? Cant you follow?” I said no. and you said “awww, I thought you were gonna get to eat here na!”

That was back in December.

5 months later, my father finally took me to eat in Omakase. My first thought was “FINALLY!!!’ and it was immediately followed by the thoughts of you and all those words that assured me, the assurances no where to be found now. As I sat in those tables, I immediately wanted to text you, like how I immediately texted you after my first driving lesson, even if we werent in speaking terms. I remembered, you changed your number (for some reason unknown to me) and though I had that saved in my phone, it would be really bizarre for me to just text you out of no where, as if we were still close friends. But I really wanted to you. I dont know if what would happen if I messaged you “finally got to eat in Oma!”. I dont know if it will make a difference, if it will make this worse, or better. I guess I made this so that I could get that message to you, somehow.

 

Hey, I finally got to eat in Omakase. 

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5.19.2014

19 May

Hi.
I havent wrote in a while because I thought I’d be doing a great job in moving on and supressing the thoughts because I wouldnt see you anymore. But here you are, studying in the university where I’m studying when I thought you’d be going to the school on the other side of the metro. I saw you twice. I pretended to not see you. I dont know if you did the same. After the second time of seeing you, I told myself that I was no longer going to be a coward and Im going to try to make things less awkwrd between us by saying a quick and warm greeting. I was pretty convinced with myself but there is always some outside force stopping me. On our way out of One Archers, my friend saw you. She quickly pointed out you were smoking. I stopped and went a few steps back to check if you were really there. I only got a glimpse of your back and quickly turned away, not wanting to even see you hold that cigarette in your hand. It’s still clear to me, that 16th day of january where in you brought lighter out of your room and I gave you that “why the hell do you have that” look. You quickly read it and told me “i just have it for fun. I swear I dont smoke.”

It’s like you’re a completely dofferent person from what you’ve presented to me. How long did you think that image would last? If we remained friends, how long did you think I’ll believe you didnt have these vices? At first, it was me thinking you were so nice, that you were not capable of breaking hearts. Then this? I thought you were this classy guy, yes you drank, but thats it. Even my friend said she couldnt believe what she saw. She said “it didnt fit his image. Or i just never really imagined him smoking.”

I have no right to even be mad. Because we arent even friends anymore, but why am I so affected? Why is it still breaking me? I did not see you puff a smoke with my own eyes, but I did see you around people who were puffing smoke. I swear, I dont want to believe because this is not the you that I knew. I was so honest with everything when it came to you, maybe except my feelings. But anything else? You knew how much I ate, how I dressed myself. I let you know these. I let you know what I really like and what i really disliked. I let you know I’d just make palusot to my friends to be with you. You were one of the few who knew parts of the real me, and I guess its just not fair because everything you let me know is turning out to be complete lies.

I know we are far from friends, but how I wish you were still/you were that Geh who you let me know. How I wish I knew the real you.

Even through this, I still miss you.

The Rebound-zone

26 Apr

“I just think that its like the worst place to be.”

My friends and I were sitting under the stars, talking about anything and everything and it came to the topic of Rebounds. I kept silent as they talk about it, remembering every second that i spent with that person. Finally one of them mentioned, “i just think that it’s the worst place to be.” I was thinking of those memories until it suddenly all turned to reality. The reality that it’s all gone now. The reality that i was a rebound.

UrbanDictionary.com defines rebound as
the kind of relationship that’s simply happening in order to get over one that recently ended. You wouldn’t really know that you’re a rebound. One will be completely oblivious to that ’til the relationship just stops. Contrary to what my friend presented, being in that rebound zone is not the worst place to be. It’s the worst place that a person have been in. The stay in the rebound zone may even be the happiest day(s) of your life because the guy (or girl) who you have had feelings for for the longest time is finally seeing you and better yet, is throwing himself at you. Well not really, but you get the point. You finally feel special, appreciated, acknowledged, and maybe even loved and everything about feeling those is just great. Being in the rebound-zone will give you an emotional high and having been in it will just extinguish the fire quickly, as if setting it on was an accident. Being in the rebound zone is not the worst, it’s the part that comes after. The part wherein he tells you he is sorry, he just didn’t want anything. He just wanted to move on. It’s that part wherein you no longer mean anything to him after a couple of months because he realised it wasn’t real. It’s the part where you realise he used you to make himself happy. The part where you realise you’re a rebound, that’s the worst place to be. Like a roller coaster, everything just comes to a halt when you’re asking for more. The best part is, most of the time, it stops without reason. You get left behind, you get left hanging because at the least you thought they were going to come back with an explanation. But they didn’t.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they did come back to at least explain? To apologise for their mistakes? To stay friends (if you friends before you guys both screwed it up)? But wouldn’t it be nicer if we just got to stay in the rebound-zone? To have a never ending crazy ride? I just wish people don’t use people to feel less sad about a break up because it is totally unfair to the other who ends up falling for you. But it cannot be avoided, i guess. It would be a nicer scenario if the people who turn to people for rebounds ends up falling for then, too. In that case, a new relationship would be born. A real thing going on would be born, and no one is going to come home crying saying, “We just happened for fun.”

The process of letting go and moving on 3

16 Mar

What’s on my mind tonight is the question “what were you thinking?” I’d totally ask you that if you werent ignoring all my efforts in trying to fix our friendship.

But, what were you thinking? What were you thinking when you volunteered to accompany me in my BF food trip? What were you thinking when you agreed to meeting up in starbucks at 11am in the morning to help me study for a test? What were you thinking when you brought me to the cheap ass sketchy carnival? When you said it was ok for you to be late at a hangout with your bandmates because you wanted to eat out with me? Were you thinking of just making a good new friend? Or just sincerely being nice? ‘Cause that was no problem to me. But were you thinking that when we watched frozen? When you put your arms around me when we did nothing but talk for hours in the balcony of a building in westgate? Were you thinking of being just friends when you told me you wanted to see me even if you were sick? Or when you told me you missed me right after we just saw each other? Were you thinking you didnt want anything when you fetched me from alabang with your lola’s car even if you didnt have a license to take me to verdana? You didnt want anything but you took me to your house. Were you even thinking when you hugged me that night from the back and put your cheeks near my fave? Because when all that happened, I was thinking. Thinking about what that was, what it could mean, where it was going. I may have already thought of all the possible outcomes and before i could even decide what to do next, you come along with another sweet thing of yours and you just get me.

Maybe you shouldve thought twice. Im sure at one point, i wasnt just a friend. Or at least in your head.

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The process of letting go and moving on 2

15 Mar

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The process of letting go and moving on 1

13 Mar

I guess I got part of what I wanted, which was closure and being friends again. I got closure. The friends again part is still processing. But i guess that’s good. Although I still dont know what it was, the thing we had, but I guess i can draw a conclusion from the things that you said earlier today and last night. Maybe you just werent sure of your feelings, but then again it wouldnt hurt if you just made it clear in the first place.

I’m sorry for being an asshole and for making you paasa

…. i just didnt want anything.

Well at least you know that you have been an asshole, right? And at least you said sorry too. So what else do I want? Excluding a do over and just our friendship back, I dont want anything anymore. I cannot always get what I want, right? So I guess incase the wanting the friendship back is not a mutual feeling, I want to let this all go. I have already carved in my brain the fact that I dont like you anymore, but even I cant lie to myself like that. 4 months of “thinging” with you. To my defense, I did try really hard to not assume and put meaning to your actions, but we hung out more often than what i shouldve allowed. I cant say I regret it, because those four months were happy months. Even just trying to remember the shit we did makes me happy, but not now because now its just sad to remember all of those. Four months of inconsistency. Of mixed signals. I kept my hopes up for four months, and the hurt I am feeling now is immensely painful. It wasnt the same hurt I felt when I had to break up with Duncan, but I can say that’s its probably going to take me the same time to get myself together from this. I wish we couldve just said something. I wish we didnt leave words unsaid so we could have avoided this. We had something good going on, even in just the terms of platonic friendship. You were one of the better friends I’ve made and I really hate how this is ending. I told you I trusted you because I didnt want our friendship to have a life span of just a school year, but that’s what’s happening. I screwed up, I wish I hadnt. Because right now everything just feels so low. Where do I even start to pick myself up and how? Because right now I just feel so drained and so sad.

I thought I eat when I’m sad but I realized I only eat when I’m stressed. When I’m sad, I dont. I don’t even think I’m sad. I think this is depression. Well, I hope now. I don not like this feeling at all. It’s like I miss my class, but honestly, it’s just you. A big chunk of why I loved Sr B was because of you. Because I had such a good time with you. So when ever I think of the class, I think of all the fun I had, and all the memories that automatically enters my head was the shit we did together. I dont even know if crying this all out will help me let things go, but its sure making me feel kind of relieved. But its like once I start crying, I dont know when I’ll stop, because like I said, I havent felt like this in a long long time and it is quite painful